Horoscopes for Spring 2026

Aquarius	Your birthday may bring a small fire and some horrid screeching. Consider putting all your stuff in a big canvas sack and giving it to the children of the world in one magical night. Your lucky number is 33 Red, but we aren’t sure what it means.
Pisces	The stars predict a beautiful woman will fall in love with someone who isn’t you. Go up to the CEO of that company you want to work for and give him a big, wet smooch right on the earlobe. Your lucky number is 3, the number of classes you should take pass/fail this semester.
Aries	Your future will include big success when you find the world’s rarest coin lodged in your aorta. Look out for evil, sinister ne’er do-wells, so that you can ask them out to dinner and a movie. Your lucky number is 45, the amount of drinks you can consume in one night if you really lock in.
Taurus	You will soon find true happiness, then accidentally step on it. Consider throwing a Wiimote into your tv screen in a fit of rage. Your lucky number is 78, the number of dollars you’ll make next June.
Gemini	Now is a good time to have invested in NVIDIA stock three years ago. You should actually read one of those assignments before turning it in sometime this semester. Your lucky number was 2, but you've already wasted it.
Cancer	Don’t expect a big surprise next week, because expecting it would ruin the surprise. It would be wise to buy yourself a comically large theme-park turkey leg. Your lucky number is 7, but so are a lot of other people’s, so don’t get too full of yourself.
Leo	Now is a bad time to go insane and murder all your coworkers. Release your stress and fear by covering yourself in forty spiders. Your lucky number is 372. Don’t read too far into it.
Virgo	Be prepared for sunshine when an enigmatic supervillain puts a giant magnifying glass just outside your window. You should look into that thing on your back. Your lucky number is 5.00002, likely due to float imprecision.
Libra	Incredible things are around the corner, down a long hallway, and behind a locked door. It would be wise to invest in eight slices of American cheese. You don’t have a lucky number. That can’t possibly be a good omen.
Scorpio	You may soon find yourself standing over a dead body with a bloody knife in your hand and no memory of the last 24 hours. If your name is “Douglas”, change it. Your lucky number is 4,236,924,642,739. Your lucky number was so hard to calculate, it caused an international RAM shortage.
Sagittarius	The heavens tell there is money coming your way. Duck. Consider writing your own horoscopes next time, if you think it’s so fucking easy. Your lucky number is infinity, which isn’t actually a number but more of a concept.
Capricorn	The stars say you may cheat on an assignment in the near future. Damn snitches. Take a good look at the man in the mirror. You may need to identify him to the authorities. Your lucky number is ½, the amount of times you’ll have sex this year.