Linda G. Mills Introduces Stern Plaza Precheck

Graphic by Zachary Arnold

“Fear not, dear subjects,” Linda G. Mills announced from the balcony of her Upper East Side apartment this past Sunday. “We have heard your calls for justice, and we have listened to your demands.”

The martyr herself then explained a new system—one that will solve all NYU community struggles. “We know the obstacles you in our beloved community face. We have seen the lines outside the gates of Stern! For you, dearest plebians, we offer Stern TSA PreCheck.”

Church bells rang and children cheered. Old women cried and nuns kissed upon the announcement.

For a nominal fee of 5,000 dollars, NYU students will now be able to skip the line at Stern Plaza. PreCheck recipients will be permitted to keep their shoes on and undergo only one pat down by Fountain Walker on their way to class.

“Wait times will be slashed,” assured Linda. The board applauded raucously and rewarded her with a $100,000 oversized novelty check in the center of 5th Ave. 

In our never ending pursuit of truth for you, dear reader, we interviewed Stern Students about the new program. “Does this mean Gallatin Students can enter the Plaza now?” lamented a disgusted boy with a middle part. He was in a suit for unclear reasons. 

“Oh,” said Barron Trump. That’s the most we’ve ever heard him speak. Barron gets to skip the entire security process. Linda G. assured us that this is not favoritism, but rather a Moses Center Approved™ accommodation. His big ass cannot fit under the metal detector.  

Stern Clear Level Status will be unveiled next week, for a mere 7k per semester.