Post-Graduation Horoscopes

Silver School of Social Work

Now is the best time to plant a tree. Yesterday was all dreary and wet.

Dating a broke guy does not count as social work.

Your lucky number is deep in the negatives. You may have to take out a loan.

Tisch School of the Arts

Be prepared for sunshine when you can no longer afford a roof.

You should move out to Hollywood. Hollywood, Florida.

Your lucky number is 2, the number of parents you have to have in the entertainment industry to succeed.

College of Arts and Sciences

Your summer may bring fall. Want a better horoscope? Pick a more interesting school.

Watch out when leaving the Silver Center for the last time. Hitchhiking ghosts may follow you home.

Your lucky number is 23 for the artists, and 97 for the scientists. Everyone else should interpolate between the two.

Courant Institute School of Mathematics

The stars predict bad things on the horizon. They’re much more brutally honest than AI.

Stop moving through life with a need to “prove” everything.

Your lucky number is the smallest integer expressible as the sum of two cubes in two different ways. Figure that one out, math boy.

Grossman School of Medicine

Your future will include big success when you accidentally kill an inherently evil baby.

Look out for those College of Dentistry pricks, or they’ll finally have their revenge.

Your lucky number is 47, the percentage of future malpractice suits you’ll actually deserve.

Steinhardt School of Culture, Education, and Human Development

Music is the mirror to the soul. Unfortunately, it’s also the solid brick wall to affording food and shelter.

You can save money by sharing a reed with that guy you know who’s always coughing and sneezing for some reason.

Your lucky number is 12, the amount of people you’ve made leave a party by playing an acoustic cover of an indie rock hit.

Tandon School of Engineering

Now is a bad time to decide there’s more to life than sitting behind a computer all day.

Decrease your stress by replacing your brain matter with a viscoelastic polymer.

Your lucky number is 400k, your starting salary for a job where you basically just pretend to look busy while an AI does everything for you.

Stern School of Business

Incredible things will come when coloring inside the lines somehow fixes the national debt.

It would be wise to invest in subprime adjustable-rate mortgage-backed securities, and a lot of them.

Your lucky number is the coordinates of a little island right off of St Martin.

Gallatin School of Individualized Study

You may consider writing down an explanation of what your concentration is so you don’t have to come up with a new one on the spot every time someone asks.

The benefit of Gallatin is that you can kinda craft your own horoscope instead of taking the more restricting traditional route of a predetermined future.

Your lucky number is 8, the amount of weeks it’ll take before you stop correcting people who assume you attended Tisch.