Zoobituaries

Cricket Noem, German Wirehair Pointer 

Cricket Noem, aged 14 months died of “untrainable personality” and poor feasant hunting ability. Feared by the chickens of South Dakota, Cricket was a sassy bitch. Cricket is survived by Conservative Icon Kristi Noem, Totally Not Gay Bryon Noem, Some Children (presumably), and Reddit users. Noted in the autopsy was a gunshot. I’ll bet it was unrelated. 

Central Park Cub, Black Bear 

Central Park Cub, aged 6 months, was a skinny gal at only 44 pounds. Beloved Worm Homemaker Robert F. Kennedy Jr. took mercy on her soul after he witnessed (totally just witnessed) the Central Park Cub hit by a driver (totally not him) upstate while falcon hunting. After a long day at the very patriotic sport of shooting bald eagles in the head, Mr. Worm Brains, out of the goodness of his soul, rescued the deceased body and honored the cub in the best way he could. RFK, sober and not cracked out at all, dropped the Cub in Central Park on the way to a dinner at Peter Luger Steak House. Central Park Cub is survived by the poor fucker who found her and the Grand Ol’ Party.  

Random New Mexico Dog, Pitbull 

Random New Mexico Dog has died after attempting to lick Project 2025 architect, Kevin Roberts. According to witnesses, an immense glare of light off of Roberts’ bald spot attracted the dog, enticing him to approach the alt-right pundit. Unfortunately, the pitbull approached another kind of light after being clubbed in the head by a shovel. Believe it or not, Kevin Roberts will die the same way in 2032. Random New Mexico Dog is survived by the faculty for New Mexico State University, whose dinner was ruined by Roberts telling this story. 

The Headless Whale, Pilot Whale 

The Headless Whale has been found dead after an encounter with roadkill aficionado RFK Jr. When he somehow stumbled upon another dead large mammal, RFK reportedly shrieked with excitement as he dragged the creature toward his minivan. So loud were his joyous cackles, in fact, they could be heard over the chainsaw skilllessly severing the whale’s head. Go easy on him guys—the whale was too big to fit in his assistant’s Ford Expedition. The Headless Whale is survived by PETA, litigation pending.

Bobst “BobCat” Catalogue, Bobcat

The NYU bobcat passed away last night, right in the middle of Washington Square Park. He was only 43 years young. Reports say he was hunted to extinction by some other school’s Division III sportsball players looking to seek revenge on our beloved alma mater for landing too many basketgoals. He was the last Bobcat in Manhattan, and we will all dearly miss the way he would defend the halls of our University by tearing random Sternbros limb from limb. Little Bobby Catalogue will be remembered by nobody as we all move on to our new mascot, Vivi the Violet.

The Village, A Rabid Lion That’ll Chew You Up and Spit You Out

That’s right. After 200 years, we can finally declare that the village is dead. And we mean it this time. We swear. We were wrong the last twenty times, but we aren’t this time. Because it’s physically impossible to be wrong twenty-one times. It passed away recently after all these new implants and venture capital firms ruined the neighborhood I so dearly love. Things like this have happened before, but they’ve never been as bad as they are at the age that I am now, even though I don’t actually remember how things used to be. But I remember the good parts, and thus have to assume that the rest of it was also good. The Village will be remembered by my low, low credit score, at least until I move back in with my parents.